I didn't drink tonight...even though we have at least a "till 12 delay" and Bubba's here.

*pats self on the back*

So far so good.

I'm not looking to quit drinking completely. But at least not so damn often.

So I really don't wanna go back to school. Haha this "vacation" has been way too relaxing. I really wish it was summer so I could avoid being bothered by classes.

On an up note, Chad and Katie are coming into town on Friday. I'm actually really excited about it. We're gonna be obnoooxious and play games and I get to make fun of mr.bigbadari'mahighwaypatrolman! Haha I love screwing around with him, cuz he can't be too mean to me ;)

I'm trying not to think about the whole "needing a job and a car" thing too much. I really do need both, though. Especially living so far from campus. Laaame.

I've gotten back into DOD a lot lately. My old clan is dead, so I've been playing on a new server. Shit's so cash. (haha). I'm kind of glad my old clan fell by the wayside. Way too much drama for a game.

Yuppers.

Stop it. Stop it.

It's not funny.

You being drunk and an idiot is NOT funny.

We DON'T find it amusing.

At least I don't.

Don't look at me and do a stupid fucking dance and expect me to laugh.

Fuck.

It's not funny.

And you're not funny.

You're drunk.

Look at me and declare "...and I'm drunk!"

As if we didn't know.

I'm disappointed.

But I can't say that I'm surprised.

The luncheon was okay. Trying to be supportive, etc. etc. 

We're apparently going to some clubs tonight and "partying" down for my sister's bacholorette party. I do NOT want to go, but you know, don't really have a choice in the matter.

John doesn't want to come pick me up tonight, which sucks. I might have to spend the night with my sister. I'm going to be DYING for my habit. Hahaha. Man...this is going to be a weiiiird night.

 So we were in the car, and we were talking about mom. And Bubba was like, "Mom was drunk!" I said "yeah, she really was...and it wasn't funny/" Bubba said, "No, its not funny. She has a problem." And then continued to laugh.

I swear he keeps (and everyone else) making it a joke. They have to eliviate their pain somehow. And this is the only way they know how.

And I kind of think this is why I drink my pain away, too.


I have my sister's bacholorette party tomorrow. And a "Luncheon" tomorrow.


More rockband at Bubba's place. 

<3

 So I'm kind of tired of this shit. 

I'm really trying to improve myself. I'm trying to be less hostile to those I love and care about. I've been a great mood today because of it. I'm letting go of the little shit and just enjoying life, right? Right. So me and John have been great because of it. I really feel good. I feel happy.

Until.

Of course mom was drinking tonight, right? We all are. At least me and Bubba. And dad had his few drinks. But mom went overboard like she ALWAYS does. Dad would look at her and scowl, or tell her to do something. She wouldn't hear him because she was already passing out while sitting up. She almost passed out with a cigarette in her hand. Dad yelled at her to put it out before she "passed out," and she did. Then she kept kind of yelling that she wanted some cake. The thing is, everyone else sits there and laughs at her drunk ass ramblings...except me. I find it terribly sad. I know I drink a lot, but I use the excuse that I'm still in college, and I'm still having fun. She's drunk every time I see her. Every fucking time. And not just, tipsy drunk . She's "I'm passing out and not sure what I'm doing" drunk. She was falling asleep on the couch, and started coughing and burping. Then gagging. Then she sat up and looked at us, and said "What?" I said "Mom, you're about to throw up." And she said "Heh...no I'm not." Then proceeded to go to the bathroom.

I went in after her and there was vomit on the toilet seat.

It hurts me inside, man. I don't want it to. I want to think that shes just having fun, y'know? 

But she's not. 

I think my mom has a problem.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm too scared to say anything to her...because I might be way out of line. But EVERYONE sees it! I don't know. I seriously feel like I'm the only one that KNOWS there's a problem, and everyone else is just belittling it so it doesn't hurt them. But maybe I'm just making too big      a deal out of it.

Amber keeps pushing my hands. Shes laying her head on my wrist now. She makes me feel so much better. She knows when I'm upset, and will do anything to be with me. I swear I love this fucking dog. She's amazing. 

Dad just came downstairs. I think mom woke him up. Its so rare that they even sleep in the same area any more that it wouldn't suprise me. He's so unhappy. Hes so upset all of the time. He hates his job, and it makes him dead inside.
Know what Bubba told me?
Well see, mom had told me she was on anti-depressants for her menopause. Bubba told me a few weeks ago that mom was on anti-depressants cuz she needs them, and that was the only way the doctor could make her take them. My dad talked to him about it.

Kay. Enough of this bullshit.

Everyone has drama, right? Sha.

Last night was badass. We had so many folks over...drinking our arist-a-shit,  and having a BLAST. I love my friends, I really freaking do. I have the most amazing friends ever. I have Travis, who is my little fuckin' sidekick, no matter what. I have Jenni, who is my confidant, my intelligent, amazing, understanding friend who knows what it means to be there. I have of course John who knows EVERYTHING and is ALWAYS there for me. I have Monica, who is y'know..there if I need her. I have these amazing people in my life, and I'm amazingly blessed. 

We're playing rockband...and I have to sing. :D